I can’t believe I’m in the throes of another cycle. It seemed to have crept up on me so fast, and has so far has flown by. I guess it just seems faster this time.
It’s been a difficult last few months since I had my semi failed cycle. I still don’t know what to call it. In the IVF world, when you say ‘chemical pregnancy’, people immediately understand. Yes I was pregnant, but only for a short time. How do you explain it to people who don’t know any of this stuff? I suppose this is why I haven’t told many people. Fewer people to tell when it all goes horribly wrong. Fewer pained looks and hollow apologies for something they have nothing to be sorry for.
It’s been difficult but endurable. Did I crawl into my bed and not come out for days? Well no. That’s not me, never has been. I had my days, but I’m the strong, stoic type remember? I keep that shit to myself. And push it down down down so that it’s a tiny speck at the tip of my toes, so that I don’t have to deal with it every day. Denial much? Anywhoo, it got me through every day.
I’m going in again with eyes wide open this time. It was scary that first time, not knowing what to expect. Not knowing what the time line would be. Endless optimism that I would be first time lucky and wouldn’t have to deal with negatives, or rising and falling betas and the horrible limbo I lived for 2 weeks. Pregnant? Yes, but…
I’m happy to report knowing what I’m getting into has so far worked to my advantage. I had a nurse tell me my injections were to start 8 days after they should have. I fixed that up right quick. I’m already 9 days into my injections. 8am Orgalutran, 6pm Puregon and Repronex, day after day. I’ll know more tomorrow, but I’m probably looking at retrieval in 4-5 days, transfer a week from now. HUH? How did it get here so fast? Not that I’m complaining. I’m starting to feel bloaty and uncomfortable, but otherwise just dandy.
So by Christmas, I’ll either be knitting booties or maybe just crawling under those bedsheets. We’ll soon see.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
One more loopty loop
So that beta Monday that was supposed to confirm I am back to baseline? Not so much. I shot back to 450. Enough that they were seriously worried about ectopic.
So another ultrasound today confirmed that this 'pregnancy' is not in the uterus, or tubes or anywhere they can see.
My beta dropped back down to 50. One more test Monday (heard that before!) and hopefully we will be back to zeros.
It's so weird that this is good news. So weird that this is the best we could hope for. Weird and sad.
And I started bleeding again. Fab!
So another ultrasound today confirmed that this 'pregnancy' is not in the uterus, or tubes or anywhere they can see.
My beta dropped back down to 50. One more test Monday (heard that before!) and hopefully we will be back to zeros.
It's so weird that this is good news. So weird that this is the best we could hope for. Weird and sad.
And I started bleeding again. Fab!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The irony of it all
How ironic that the day I stop bleeding is the day I find out we had a chemical pregnancy. The last 2 weeks have been not fun to say the least. The analogy of a rollercoaster is often used in this process, and really is accurate. The process stimming, ER and ET is like the long steep ascent to the top of the first big hill, full of optimism, excitement and enthusiasm. The 2WW is like those few terrifying seconds at the top, waiting for the drop. See it really isn’t that long, but it seems like forever, because it’s not always the fall itself, but the anticipation of the fall that’s most exhilarating. My fast decent started just a few days before my beta test when I started bleeding. Then I was up! Then I was down, up down up down until I now, when I’m at the end of this ride.
Here is how my betas shook down:
Beta #1 Wed Aug. 11, 25 Progesterone 32
Beta #2 Fri Aug. 13, 66 Progesterone 36
Beta #3 Mon Aug. 16, 191 Progesterone 10
Beta #4 Wed Aug. 18 150 Progesterone 7
The progesterone crashing on beta 3 was the big indicator that this wasn’t the one. I mean people have low betas and go on to have healthy pregnancies. Just not me, not this time. I have one more blood test on Monday to confirm the levels have gone back (or on their way back) to baseline. We take a couple of weeks off, then go and see Dr. C on September 2nd to go over the cycle and figure the best time to cycle again.
Here’s a little of what I’m feeling: sadness, guilt, fear, anger. I was so optimistic when this started that I would be first time lucky. Remember back then? Sure we had a 45% chance of it happening, which meant a 55% chance of it not happening. Yesterday was a hard day. The morning was brutal, sitting talking to the nurse. I cried, making Chris feel helpless. I’m not usually the emotional one. I’m the strong one, the head-in-the-game one, the rock. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable, though sometimes I need a hug, and to just cry it out. C understands, but it’s not happening TO him, his hormones, his body.
The next time will be better, right? I’ll know what I’m doing, I’ll be more comfortable with the meds, and most important, know what to expect. I’ll know what to ask. I will take time off after ET. Maybe a week’s holidays if C can get the time off.
But oh, GOD what if it doesn’t happen next time and we have to rely on that last egg in the basket? Don’t get ahead of yourself. One cycle at a time, one day at a time. I can only do the best I can, and let my body take care of the rest.
Here is how my betas shook down:
Beta #1 Wed Aug. 11, 25 Progesterone 32
Beta #2 Fri Aug. 13, 66 Progesterone 36
Beta #3 Mon Aug. 16, 191 Progesterone 10
Beta #4 Wed Aug. 18 150 Progesterone 7
The progesterone crashing on beta 3 was the big indicator that this wasn’t the one. I mean people have low betas and go on to have healthy pregnancies. Just not me, not this time. I have one more blood test on Monday to confirm the levels have gone back (or on their way back) to baseline. We take a couple of weeks off, then go and see Dr. C on September 2nd to go over the cycle and figure the best time to cycle again.
Here’s a little of what I’m feeling: sadness, guilt, fear, anger. I was so optimistic when this started that I would be first time lucky. Remember back then? Sure we had a 45% chance of it happening, which meant a 55% chance of it not happening. Yesterday was a hard day. The morning was brutal, sitting talking to the nurse. I cried, making Chris feel helpless. I’m not usually the emotional one. I’m the strong one, the head-in-the-game one, the rock. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable, though sometimes I need a hug, and to just cry it out. C understands, but it’s not happening TO him, his hormones, his body.
The next time will be better, right? I’ll know what I’m doing, I’ll be more comfortable with the meds, and most important, know what to expect. I’ll know what to ask. I will take time off after ET. Maybe a week’s holidays if C can get the time off.
But oh, GOD what if it doesn’t happen next time and we have to rely on that last egg in the basket? Don’t get ahead of yourself. One cycle at a time, one day at a time. I can only do the best I can, and let my body take care of the rest.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Beta day
Well there is good news and bad news. The good news is it's positive! The not so good news is, first, I'm still bleeding, and second, the beta number is low, 25.6. The nurse was careful not to give away too much (again), saying it's not the number that's important, but the fact that it doubles at the next beta, which they want me in for on Friday. So we get to wait again!
I feel so much better today though. Just the clinic calling and saying yes, it's positive is in itself awesome, and I have some fantastic support in the way of friends (real and online) that are helping
me through this crazy rollercoaster. There seems to be lots of stories of bleeders and low betas out there that it's giving me sufficient optimism that i can pull this off! I hope that this little one can hang on, it's been a bumpy road so far!
I feel so much better today though. Just the clinic calling and saying yes, it's positive is in itself awesome, and I have some fantastic support in the way of friends (real and online) that are helping
me through this crazy rollercoaster. There seems to be lots of stories of bleeders and low betas out there that it's giving me sufficient optimism that i can pull this off! I hope that this little one can hang on, it's been a bumpy road so far!
Truth takes time
We are headed into town for my blood test to confirm what I don't know. It's been a strange and scary few days.
To sum up, I started spotting on Sunday, and it's been (I think anyway) full flow for 2 days. BUT I did a pregnancy test on Monday and it's positive, so I have no idea what's going on.
I've heard lots of things in the last few days, could be a cyst, could be the second blast that didn't make it, etc. I've tried not to stress. Tried.
Only time will tell.
- Posted from my iphone!
To sum up, I started spotting on Sunday, and it's been (I think anyway) full flow for 2 days. BUT I did a pregnancy test on Monday and it's positive, so I have no idea what's going on.
I've heard lots of things in the last few days, could be a cyst, could be the second blast that didn't make it, etc. I've tried not to stress. Tried.
Only time will tell.
- Posted from my iphone!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The worry begins
I have to admit, I've been really lucky so far in the symptom/worry department. I responded well to the medications, my retrieval and transfer went off without a hitch, and up to this point in the 2 week wait, no problems or worries.
Until today. I've had spotting all day, sometimes light, sometimes heavy-ish. Of course, the consensus is that this is perfectly normal implantation bleeding. Normal until it's happening to ME! Good gravy, I am fa-reaked out!
So yes I've been stressed today because my animals got into some rat poison and spent the better part of the morning (and the better part of my paycheque!) at the vet. They will be fine, but my nerves are shot. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. Just lay on the couch and chilled. Now I'm in bed and I'm crampy too (which is also apparently normal!)
I want a Sunday do over!
Here's Sundays picture anyway. Hard not to smile. I'm so glad my babies are going to be OK!
Until today. I've had spotting all day, sometimes light, sometimes heavy-ish. Of course, the consensus is that this is perfectly normal implantation bleeding. Normal until it's happening to ME! Good gravy, I am fa-reaked out!
So yes I've been stressed today because my animals got into some rat poison and spent the better part of the morning (and the better part of my paycheque!) at the vet. They will be fine, but my nerves are shot. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. Just lay on the couch and chilled. Now I'm in bed and I'm crampy too (which is also apparently normal!)
I want a Sunday do over!
Here's Sundays picture anyway. Hard not to smile. I'm so glad my babies are going to be OK!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Huge update, sorry it took so long!
I’ve started this post two or three times already, but couldn’t come up with the words to describe this truly amazing thing that is happening to me. It’s been a little overwhelming, emotionally and physically.
I suppose I left off the night of trigger. It was weird the next day, not having to take any shots. I had become so used to my injection schedule running my life. 8 am orgalutran, 6pm repronex and puregon. Day after day.
The morning of egg retrieval was full of excitement and apprehension. How many follicles would be mature? How many eggs would I get? How many would fertilize? It seems with this process you are always waiting for something. Waiting for the next step, or the next news. You never seem to be out of the woods. I have to say the drugs they gave me for my retrieval were fine! I was a giggling school girl. Chris was amused at my antics while waiting and in the procedure room. The blood pressure monitoring seemed to be the source of my amusement. I felt no pain at all. When Dr. V went to my left ovary first, I didn’t even flinch. Impressive, the nurse said! I didn’t even know they had started! I felt a bit of a pinch on the right side, but again, not uncomfortable at all.
In all, they retrieved 12 follicles, and 10 eggs. Then they mixed with Chris’s boys and the next morning the report came back 9 fertilized! Amazing! We were scheduled for a 5 day transfer, which is everyone’s wish in the IVF world.
So we wait 5 days for transfer. Of course they don’t give you a play by play to know how your little guys are doing, so on Friday I was wondering how all the little ones did, but happy that they hadn’t called me early for a 3 day transfer instead. Full bladder ultrasounds and I do not mix. The last time I did one I had a full on panic attack, and it was horrible. So this time I erred on the side of not drinking enough. HA! So, my procedure was pushed back a bit while I drank some more. In the end, we put in 2 little embies. One full blast, and one morula that was just on the cusp of being a blast. I’m happy with that. None of our other guys were of sufficient quality to freeze though. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I mean we had 9 to start, and only ended up with 2?
Here is a little picture of the procedure. This is a picture of the scan, so not all that great, but you can see 2 white spots on the left. Those are air bubbles, and the babies are in between those 2 bubbles. Dr. L was excellent. Patient with my bladder, funny and put us at ease instantly :)
It’s been 8 days since the transfer. I’ve had no problems with hyperstimulation, no symptoms, except a dull ache in my nether regions that’s been pretty constant. I don’t know what’s going on down there. Today is Saturday and I go for my blood test on Wednesday. 4 more days. The waiting is horrible. I haven’t had any spotting or blood at all. Did it work? Did one or both take? Am I pregnant for real?
Time will tell. A beta (blood test) on Wednesday, an ultrasound 3 weeks after that, and I’m still not in the clear. You wait and hope you don’t have a miscarriage. Like I said, the waiting and worry never ends. I’m not a God believer, but I still pray, plead, beg for this to happen for me, for us, for our family. I talk to the little babies in my belly and hope they settle in for a long comfy ride to this world.
Promise I’ll write more soon.
I suppose I left off the night of trigger. It was weird the next day, not having to take any shots. I had become so used to my injection schedule running my life. 8 am orgalutran, 6pm repronex and puregon. Day after day.
The morning of egg retrieval was full of excitement and apprehension. How many follicles would be mature? How many eggs would I get? How many would fertilize? It seems with this process you are always waiting for something. Waiting for the next step, or the next news. You never seem to be out of the woods. I have to say the drugs they gave me for my retrieval were fine! I was a giggling school girl. Chris was amused at my antics while waiting and in the procedure room. The blood pressure monitoring seemed to be the source of my amusement. I felt no pain at all. When Dr. V went to my left ovary first, I didn’t even flinch. Impressive, the nurse said! I didn’t even know they had started! I felt a bit of a pinch on the right side, but again, not uncomfortable at all.
In all, they retrieved 12 follicles, and 10 eggs. Then they mixed with Chris’s boys and the next morning the report came back 9 fertilized! Amazing! We were scheduled for a 5 day transfer, which is everyone’s wish in the IVF world.
So we wait 5 days for transfer. Of course they don’t give you a play by play to know how your little guys are doing, so on Friday I was wondering how all the little ones did, but happy that they hadn’t called me early for a 3 day transfer instead. Full bladder ultrasounds and I do not mix. The last time I did one I had a full on panic attack, and it was horrible. So this time I erred on the side of not drinking enough. HA! So, my procedure was pushed back a bit while I drank some more. In the end, we put in 2 little embies. One full blast, and one morula that was just on the cusp of being a blast. I’m happy with that. None of our other guys were of sufficient quality to freeze though. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I mean we had 9 to start, and only ended up with 2?
Here is a little picture of the procedure. This is a picture of the scan, so not all that great, but you can see 2 white spots on the left. Those are air bubbles, and the babies are in between those 2 bubbles. Dr. L was excellent. Patient with my bladder, funny and put us at ease instantly :)
It’s been 8 days since the transfer. I’ve had no problems with hyperstimulation, no symptoms, except a dull ache in my nether regions that’s been pretty constant. I don’t know what’s going on down there. Today is Saturday and I go for my blood test on Wednesday. 4 more days. The waiting is horrible. I haven’t had any spotting or blood at all. Did it work? Did one or both take? Am I pregnant for real?
Time will tell. A beta (blood test) on Wednesday, an ultrasound 3 weeks after that, and I’m still not in the clear. You wait and hope you don’t have a miscarriage. Like I said, the waiting and worry never ends. I’m not a God believer, but I still pray, plead, beg for this to happen for me, for us, for our family. I talk to the little babies in my belly and hope they settle in for a long comfy ride to this world.
Promise I’ll write more soon.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Trigger happy
So this is really it. I just did my final injection of this (hoping only) cycle. The trigger shot. Holy crap.
I've felt horrible all day. Bloated, gassy, crampy. Let's just say there's a lot going on down there right now. I'd love to wear jammy jams to work tomorrow, because I don't think any of my pants will fit.
I'm nervously excited for what's to come. They are taking my eggs outside of my body, and returning little babies next week. Science is so freaking awesome! It staggers the mind, truly.
I'd write more, but I'm just so tired all the time, I'm falling asleep as I write this. More soon, promise.
I've felt horrible all day. Bloated, gassy, crampy. Let's just say there's a lot going on down there right now. I'd love to wear jammy jams to work tomorrow, because I don't think any of my pants will fit.
I'm nervously excited for what's to come. They are taking my eggs outside of my body, and returning little babies next week. Science is so freaking awesome! It staggers the mind, truly.
I'd write more, but I'm just so tired all the time, I'm falling asleep as I write this. More soon, promise.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
It's almost time!
Update: My follicles are progressing nicely! 5 on the left measurable, and 3 on the right, hangin in, and a bunch more that are really close.
I met Dr. Min today. I have to say all the doctors there are super nice. AND they make you feel like they haven't *just* looked at your chart, even though they have. When I met Dr. Kortarba yesterday, she thought maybe I might trigger today, but Dr. Min wanted to give it 1 more day for some of the smaller follicles to catch up. SUPER! More injections! 1 more bloodwork and ultrasound appointment tomorrow and I will know for sure.
This means that my retrieval will be on Sunday, so I don't have to miss work. Then transfer will be Wednesday or Friday, just in time for the long weekend! WAHOO! Seriously, I could be (WILL BE) pregnant by next weekend. Crazy. Insane. FAST! BAAAAH! I'm so happy I have follicles. When I found out I was a poor responder on top of my tubal issues, that guilt thing popped up again. If I can't make a baby naturally, will I be a mother naturally? Did we wait to long? Will I be able to grow follicles? Are my parents wasting crazy amounts of money for something that won't work? Why can't things be easy? Well here is my answer. It might not be easy, but it sure is fast!
I mean I wanted it to happen fast, but holy crap. I hope it works I hope it works I hope it works. I'm tired all the time. Probably the drugs, but probably also being up at 5:30 to drive into the city, poke, prod, drive back (usually to work).
Everyone says I will be a great mom. Chris thinks so, and that's what's important. I already know how it's going to be. He'll be fun dad, and I'll be tough mom. Story of my life! Well I am a good mom to my furbabies, because they tell me so, and they don't lie.
It's Milo's birthday today! Happy Birthday big boy!
I met Dr. Min today. I have to say all the doctors there are super nice. AND they make you feel like they haven't *just* looked at your chart, even though they have. When I met Dr. Kortarba yesterday, she thought maybe I might trigger today, but Dr. Min wanted to give it 1 more day for some of the smaller follicles to catch up. SUPER! More injections! 1 more bloodwork and ultrasound appointment tomorrow and I will know for sure.
This means that my retrieval will be on Sunday, so I don't have to miss work. Then transfer will be Wednesday or Friday, just in time for the long weekend! WAHOO! Seriously, I could be (WILL BE) pregnant by next weekend. Crazy. Insane. FAST! BAAAAH! I'm so happy I have follicles. When I found out I was a poor responder on top of my tubal issues, that guilt thing popped up again. If I can't make a baby naturally, will I be a mother naturally? Did we wait to long? Will I be able to grow follicles? Are my parents wasting crazy amounts of money for something that won't work? Why can't things be easy? Well here is my answer. It might not be easy, but it sure is fast!
I mean I wanted it to happen fast, but holy crap. I hope it works I hope it works I hope it works. I'm tired all the time. Probably the drugs, but probably also being up at 5:30 to drive into the city, poke, prod, drive back (usually to work).
Everyone says I will be a great mom. Chris thinks so, and that's what's important. I already know how it's going to be. He'll be fun dad, and I'll be tough mom. Story of my life! Well I am a good mom to my furbabies, because they tell me so, and they don't lie.
It's Milo's birthday today! Happy Birthday big boy!
Monday, July 19, 2010
The face of infertility
It's crazy the emotions us infertiles go through in the pursuit for children, particularly the IVF roller coaster. I saw this stark contrast today while I was in for my scan, literally in the space of about 2 minutes.
As I was leaving my appointment with my RE, a happy enough meeting -as I now have 6 follicles - I ran into a couple who looked as though they were just leaving ER, or maybe ET. They were in scrubs, and she was crying tears of joy. I felt so happy for her!
Then I saw the complete opposite as I made my way to the parking lot. One woman, alone, crying on the curb. I went over to comfort her. She had just received her Beta test results back from her transfer, and it was negative. So sad.
This can be a cruel and unrelenting process.
My thoughts are with both of these sisters.
- Posted from my iphone!
As I was leaving my appointment with my RE, a happy enough meeting -as I now have 6 follicles - I ran into a couple who looked as though they were just leaving ER, or maybe ET. They were in scrubs, and she was crying tears of joy. I felt so happy for her!
Then I saw the complete opposite as I made my way to the parking lot. One woman, alone, crying on the curb. I went over to comfort her. She had just received her Beta test results back from her transfer, and it was negative. So sad.
This can be a cruel and unrelenting process.
My thoughts are with both of these sisters.
- Posted from my iphone!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Happy birthday to me
Maybe my last childless birthday today, and I felt pretty much alone. Kind of sad, I suppose too, in a hormonal kind of way. I had my trusty Milo with me though, he always keeps me company!
Missing Chris as I usually do on Sundays. It's hard him being away for the weekends. I sure hope he can find work closer by the fall. The thought of him taking another layoff over the winter if I am pregnant is not ideal from a financial point of view. We barely made it through last winter. Bare minimums on everything! That is one stress I could definitely do without.
I go in again in the morning for bloodwork and ultrasound again. I hope it's good news!
- Posted from my iphone!
Missing Chris as I usually do on Sundays. It's hard him being away for the weekends. I sure hope he can find work closer by the fall. The thought of him taking another layoff over the winter if I am pregnant is not ideal from a financial point of view. We barely made it through last winter. Bare minimums on everything! That is one stress I could definitely do without.
I go in again in the morning for bloodwork and ultrasound again. I hope it's good news!
- Posted from my iphone!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Stimming... so ... fun?
I swear I'm turning into a pincushion. Not the most pleasant thing, injecting yourself multiple times a day. Most of the injections are fine, I'm not one of those faint-at-the-sight-of-needles kind of girl. Injecting myself is a new twist though! Not a big fan of the repronex. The manual mixing of liquid into powder has a LOT of room for error, and when you don't get it quite right, the body suffers. Not enough diluent will result in a swollen, itchy belly. Like crazy itchy. This has happened to me twice.
The worst is having to do it at work on late nights. I mean really, jamming myself into the bathroom or the sweatbox lunch room upstairs with my pouch of goodies? If it wasn't so time sensitive, I'd say screw it and wait till I get home, but I'm a good little patient, and I can't risk screwing this up for the sake of personal dignity. HA!
As I get further into the process, I really see how this can start to take over your life. Sorry, I can't make it to your ball game Chris, it's in the middle of when I have to jab myself. The hormones are kicking in too. I feel sometimes like I'm going to lose my shit over the smallest things. I just have to keep reminding myself that it'll all work out in the end. And freaking PRAY I don't have to do this multiple times!
I had my first bloodwork and ultrasound appointment yesterday. Leaving at 6:30am to drive to Ottawa, sit in the waiting room with a dozen or so other women waiting to be stuck and prodded. Drive back and go to work for the rest of the day. Good times. I did get to meet one of the message board girls though, so that was fun. A little friendly support from someone else who is going through it right now really helps.
I have 2 follicles so far. Boo, I was hoping for more. But it's early yet, and I have lots more drugs to take. Fantastic.
More drugs, then more poking and prodding Monday morning.
The worst is having to do it at work on late nights. I mean really, jamming myself into the bathroom or the sweatbox lunch room upstairs with my pouch of goodies? If it wasn't so time sensitive, I'd say screw it and wait till I get home, but I'm a good little patient, and I can't risk screwing this up for the sake of personal dignity. HA!
As I get further into the process, I really see how this can start to take over your life. Sorry, I can't make it to your ball game Chris, it's in the middle of when I have to jab myself. The hormones are kicking in too. I feel sometimes like I'm going to lose my shit over the smallest things. I just have to keep reminding myself that it'll all work out in the end. And freaking PRAY I don't have to do this multiple times!
I had my first bloodwork and ultrasound appointment yesterday. Leaving at 6:30am to drive to Ottawa, sit in the waiting room with a dozen or so other women waiting to be stuck and prodded. Drive back and go to work for the rest of the day. Good times. I did get to meet one of the message board girls though, so that was fun. A little friendly support from someone else who is going through it right now really helps.
I have 2 follicles so far. Boo, I was hoping for more. But it's early yet, and I have lots more drugs to take. Fantastic.
More drugs, then more poking and prodding Monday morning.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
the baby will wait for no one!
AF is here early, again. I swear, this is all happening rather fast!!
I start my stimulation drugs tomorrow then! WAHOO!
I start my stimulation drugs tomorrow then! WAHOO!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Feelings, nothing more than feelings
How are you feeling?
I get asked this question a lot as I'm going through this epic journey.
Physically, I'm good so far. The shots are not unbearable. They don't hurt at all going in, but the medication stings a bit. Not the end of the world by any means. I'm not a wuss for needles, so it's not a big deal. I've been poked an prodded enough in my life that I just had to get over the whole "self-administered" thing and I was good to go. You just do it and move on to the next thing.
Mentally, it's kind of the same thing. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to answer that question. How do I feel? I guess I'm just a straight shooter. It is what it is. I'm not a basket case (at least the drugs have not made me so up to this point), so I just say that I'm cautiously optimistic that things are going to work out. I've never been an overly emotional person though. Who knows what I will be like 3 weeks from now when I'm at ER and ET and am what they call PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise.. cute). Waiting for that 2 week BETA is the worst part of the whole gig, from what I hear.
What will I be like when I hear the news if it's positive or negative? I suppose I just have to go by my past history. If it's negative, I will take some time, talk to my doctor about why it was not successful and move on to the next try. If it's positive, I'll be cautiously optimistic until second BETA and ultrasound! HA! I'm nothing if not consistent.
Maybe I'm not being as self-aware as I need to be, but I think I've got a pretty good grasp of what's going on. Ya, this is pretty big, in the kind of life-altering scale, so I have given it some thought.
I think having two other tries in my pocket is a little bit of insurance too. Still hoping that I'm first time lucky, but really, I'll be a hell of a lot more nervous if we're at the 3rd try. Bottom of the ninth, 2 out, you know? I suppose we cross THAT bridge when we get to it.
A patch or 2 left to go and I wait for lovely Aunt Flow, then the wild ride of stims starts. Fantastic!! Let's get it on!
I get asked this question a lot as I'm going through this epic journey.
Physically, I'm good so far. The shots are not unbearable. They don't hurt at all going in, but the medication stings a bit. Not the end of the world by any means. I'm not a wuss for needles, so it's not a big deal. I've been poked an prodded enough in my life that I just had to get over the whole "self-administered" thing and I was good to go. You just do it and move on to the next thing.
Mentally, it's kind of the same thing. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to answer that question. How do I feel? I guess I'm just a straight shooter. It is what it is. I'm not a basket case (at least the drugs have not made me so up to this point), so I just say that I'm cautiously optimistic that things are going to work out. I've never been an overly emotional person though. Who knows what I will be like 3 weeks from now when I'm at ER and ET and am what they call PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise.. cute). Waiting for that 2 week BETA is the worst part of the whole gig, from what I hear.
What will I be like when I hear the news if it's positive or negative? I suppose I just have to go by my past history. If it's negative, I will take some time, talk to my doctor about why it was not successful and move on to the next try. If it's positive, I'll be cautiously optimistic until second BETA and ultrasound! HA! I'm nothing if not consistent.
Maybe I'm not being as self-aware as I need to be, but I think I've got a pretty good grasp of what's going on. Ya, this is pretty big, in the kind of life-altering scale, so I have given it some thought.
I think having two other tries in my pocket is a little bit of insurance too. Still hoping that I'm first time lucky, but really, I'll be a hell of a lot more nervous if we're at the 3rd try. Bottom of the ninth, 2 out, you know? I suppose we cross THAT bridge when we get to it.
A patch or 2 left to go and I wait for lovely Aunt Flow, then the wild ride of stims starts. Fantastic!! Let's get it on!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Patches and pills and injectable oh my!
I got my kit with the first part of my pills the other day. Uh, wow. A little overwhelming when you lay it all out like that. Funny all the different ways $2500 looks like.
This time it looked like this:
I start my patches on Wednesday, and my injections on Thursday. At least I don't have problems with needles, because it looks like the needle and I will become quite intimate in the next few weeks.
The nurse said I could be at ER as early as the 22nd. Crap are you kidding me? It seems like just yesterday I was at my GP's looking for a referral, I mean it was April 23! And I'm maybe 3 weeks from ER/ET and maybe pregnant! It's a little gonzo.
Still trying not to get wrapped up in it all though,trying to keep a level head. I've been so long without the hope of it ever happening, that I'm trying not to think too far ahead. Besides, it's best to think of the first try as a 'dry run' they say, because who knows how I will respond to the drugs. However, first time lucky would be really great. No, really great. Send me a little positive energy if you have some to spare, will ya?? Thanks so much. :)
This time it looked like this:
I start my patches on Wednesday, and my injections on Thursday. At least I don't have problems with needles, because it looks like the needle and I will become quite intimate in the next few weeks.
The nurse said I could be at ER as early as the 22nd. Crap are you kidding me? It seems like just yesterday I was at my GP's looking for a referral, I mean it was April 23! And I'm maybe 3 weeks from ER/ET and maybe pregnant! It's a little gonzo.
Still trying not to get wrapped up in it all though,trying to keep a level head. I've been so long without the hope of it ever happening, that I'm trying not to think too far ahead. Besides, it's best to think of the first try as a 'dry run' they say, because who knows how I will respond to the drugs. However, first time lucky would be really great. No, really great. Send me a little positive energy if you have some to spare, will ya?? Thanks so much. :)
Monday, June 28, 2010
Phase one: Estrogen Priming
Pee on a stick. Boy this takes me back. Before I had my surgery to find out why we weren't getting pregnant, I made myself sick with the number of times I peed on a stick. A day late with my period? I was for sure pregnant, had to pee on a stick! Then the disappointment of it being negative. *shudder*. This is a whole different thing now though. I'm testing for ovulation, and low and behold, day 2 of testing, at 4:42am, no mistake. It's 2 lines, and it's positive!
So just a bit nervous now, because I'm not supposed to be at the clinic until tomorrow, and there is no way I can get there today with a coworker out on holidays. I will call the clinic. At a more reasonable time. Hopefully they can call the patch into a drug store here, because I should be starting that today. And then injections tomorrow! Eeeek!!
Stay tuned!
- Posted from my iphone!
So just a bit nervous now, because I'm not supposed to be at the clinic until tomorrow, and there is no way I can get there today with a coworker out on holidays. I will call the clinic. At a more reasonable time. Hopefully they can call the patch into a drug store here, because I should be starting that today. And then injections tomorrow! Eeeek!!
Stay tuned!
- Posted from my iphone!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Musings.
Still wondering if I'm going to be a good mom. I suppose when you are standing on the ledge of any huge life change you always will wonder these things. It wasn't that long ago that I wondered if I would EVER be a mom, much less a good one.
I'm starting to have baby dreams. Ut oh. Thankfully none that include dangling babies from open windows, Michael Jackson style. Actually, to think of it, I'm not actually having baby dreams, but pregnancy dreams. I suppose I dream one step at a time. HA! So I dream mostly of having a ginormous stomach, because I'm already foreshadowing twins for myself.
I have lots of stuff to do around the house so I'm naturally procrastinating. Today is Father's Day, so I will jump over to say hi to pops later. One thing in this I am certain of, is that Chris will be an awesome dad. Sad that I'm insecure about my role as a mother, but certain that Chris will have no problems as a dad.
And see, since I haven't actually started a cycle yet, I'm still nice and full of optimism that this whole crazy train that we are on will end with a baby.
I'm all over the place with this post, but that's how I think, so whatevs. I'm off to eat, finish laundry, shower and enjoy the day!
I'm starting to have baby dreams. Ut oh. Thankfully none that include dangling babies from open windows, Michael Jackson style. Actually, to think of it, I'm not actually having baby dreams, but pregnancy dreams. I suppose I dream one step at a time. HA! So I dream mostly of having a ginormous stomach, because I'm already foreshadowing twins for myself.
I have lots of stuff to do around the house so I'm naturally procrastinating. Today is Father's Day, so I will jump over to say hi to pops later. One thing in this I am certain of, is that Chris will be an awesome dad. Sad that I'm insecure about my role as a mother, but certain that Chris will have no problems as a dad.
And see, since I haven't actually started a cycle yet, I'm still nice and full of optimism that this whole crazy train that we are on will end with a baby.
I'm all over the place with this post, but that's how I think, so whatevs. I'm off to eat, finish laundry, shower and enjoy the day!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
We have a schedule people!
Ok, so I changed the design of the blog. I'm flighty that way sometimes. I like this one. Pretty. Maple leaves. So.. me? :)
So the info session went well. LOTS of information, Chris was lost in the first 3 mintues. :p You could literally see his eyes glaze over. LOL.
So we got a little more information. And a plan. I go back to the clinic for a scheduling appointment on the 29th. I swear that's why it costs so much, so many appointments! This appointment will tell me about how to use the drug pen and needles. eep! More time off work. bzzt!
Anyway, I need to get a Clearblue ovulation kit and start peeing on a stick on the 27th (Sunday next). When it turns positive, I put on an estrogen patch. I change the patch every 2 days for 4 patches worth. The last one I keep on until I get my next period. The day after my first patch I start with a drug called oragalutran and that is a daily injection.
So, I will have 1 more period (around mid-July). On the 2nd day of my period, I will start 2 more drugs (again, injections) Puregon and repronex, along with the orgalutran. These are called stims and are meant to make lots of follicles that hopefully will have eggs in them. I will then go for bloodwork/ultrasounds every 2 days until the RE deems I have enough follicles that I am ready for retrieval. Then a final injection to ripen the eggs and retrieval then transfer!
That's all I know so far! Again, I will know more at my scheduling appointment. It seems they only give you enough information about your specific situation in small doses so you do not get overwhelmed, confused, freaked out etc. LOL
So the info session went well. LOTS of information, Chris was lost in the first 3 mintues. :p You could literally see his eyes glaze over. LOL.
So we got a little more information. And a plan. I go back to the clinic for a scheduling appointment on the 29th. I swear that's why it costs so much, so many appointments! This appointment will tell me about how to use the drug pen and needles. eep! More time off work. bzzt!
Anyway, I need to get a Clearblue ovulation kit and start peeing on a stick on the 27th (Sunday next). When it turns positive, I put on an estrogen patch. I change the patch every 2 days for 4 patches worth. The last one I keep on until I get my next period. The day after my first patch I start with a drug called oragalutran and that is a daily injection.
So, I will have 1 more period (around mid-July). On the 2nd day of my period, I will start 2 more drugs (again, injections) Puregon and repronex, along with the orgalutran. These are called stims and are meant to make lots of follicles that hopefully will have eggs in them. I will then go for bloodwork/ultrasounds every 2 days until the RE deems I have enough follicles that I am ready for retrieval. Then a final injection to ripen the eggs and retrieval then transfer!
That's all I know so far! Again, I will know more at my scheduling appointment. It seems they only give you enough information about your specific situation in small doses so you do not get overwhelmed, confused, freaked out etc. LOL
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Going with the flow
I got my period today! Never been so happy for that to happen! Except for once in high school, but that's a different story!
So in we go for our information session on Thursday at 1:30. Already having to make arragements with work. The nurse just said this is when you need to be here, like assuming we don't have jobs or lives apart from this infertity thing.
To go off on a tangent here, I can't believe how sensitive some people are about the subject. Maybe it's just me, being analytical about it, rather than emotional, but honestly. I worry about the mental health of some of these women going through this process.
So anyway, I will know in depth about what my body will be going through in the next few months. It's uncomfortable for me to not know, I'm a little type A that way I think!
Every post needs a pic, so I will leave you with my fur babies! Xo.
- Posted from my iphone!
So in we go for our information session on Thursday at 1:30. Already having to make arragements with work. The nurse just said this is when you need to be here, like assuming we don't have jobs or lives apart from this infertity thing.
To go off on a tangent here, I can't believe how sensitive some people are about the subject. Maybe it's just me, being analytical about it, rather than emotional, but honestly. I worry about the mental health of some of these women going through this process.
So anyway, I will know in depth about what my body will be going through in the next few months. It's uncomfortable for me to not know, I'm a little type A that way I think!
Every post needs a pic, so I will leave you with my fur babies! Xo.
- Posted from my iphone!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Big day tomorrow!
So tomorrow is our consent signing, ultrasound and talk with Dr. Claman. So exciting and a little nerve wracking!! But anxious to get the ball rolling, see where we stand, get a timeframe and maybe a protocol. Good stuff.
I was thinking about expectations of friends and family when going through IVF, and it's a hotly debated item on the ivf board. How many people do you tell and when? This has to be a very personal and individual thing. I'm so glad I have the support of a very few people that I have decided to share this journey with from the start. These are people that either understand what I am going through because they have or had fertility issues themselves, or just know me so well they love and support me and will be with me through the whole thing (you know who you are!) I'm sure everyone else will be happy when the miraculous news of my pregnancy hits the airwaves, but everyone doesn't need to know how I got there, and the gory details of every bloodtest and ultrasound.
The truth of the matter is I'm a very private person. But in exploring this, do I internalize most of my emotions, or am I indifferent to them? I think that is the great thing about blogging, because it forces me to think about things and not just shut myself off to what's happening in my life.
I remember vividly a girlfriend that was going through IVF telling everyone about her journey. She was totally different than me, and although it was really difficult for her to tell everyone about her miscarriages, she needed that love and support from all of her close friends. Myself, on the other hand, I would rather not have to do that. I'll continue to internalize 80% of what I'm feeling, and let the rest of it fall to those who I've allowed in to help me with.
Also, I'm not one of those girls that MUST have a baby in order to be fulfilled as a woman. I think. Pretty sure. I haven't been through the pain of a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage, so I don't know how I would handle that. There are many women on the ivf board who have been going through this process for years.. Procedure after procedure, try after try. It's crazy. I've been given this amazing opportunity, and for our sakes, I so wish that it will happen for us, but desperately? At all costs?
We are going to give it 3 tries. If it doesn't work, it wasn't meant to be. And we will deal with it then. For now, let's just say I have reserved hope that we can do this. Cautiously optomistic (because i gotta protect my heart in case it doesn't).
And baby makes 3. or 4. Whatever :)
Special thanks to Di, who is a fantastic listener :)
I was thinking about expectations of friends and family when going through IVF, and it's a hotly debated item on the ivf board. How many people do you tell and when? This has to be a very personal and individual thing. I'm so glad I have the support of a very few people that I have decided to share this journey with from the start. These are people that either understand what I am going through because they have or had fertility issues themselves, or just know me so well they love and support me and will be with me through the whole thing (you know who you are!) I'm sure everyone else will be happy when the miraculous news of my pregnancy hits the airwaves, but everyone doesn't need to know how I got there, and the gory details of every bloodtest and ultrasound.
The truth of the matter is I'm a very private person. But in exploring this, do I internalize most of my emotions, or am I indifferent to them? I think that is the great thing about blogging, because it forces me to think about things and not just shut myself off to what's happening in my life.
I remember vividly a girlfriend that was going through IVF telling everyone about her journey. She was totally different than me, and although it was really difficult for her to tell everyone about her miscarriages, she needed that love and support from all of her close friends. Myself, on the other hand, I would rather not have to do that. I'll continue to internalize 80% of what I'm feeling, and let the rest of it fall to those who I've allowed in to help me with.
Also, I'm not one of those girls that MUST have a baby in order to be fulfilled as a woman. I think. Pretty sure. I haven't been through the pain of a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage, so I don't know how I would handle that. There are many women on the ivf board who have been going through this process for years.. Procedure after procedure, try after try. It's crazy. I've been given this amazing opportunity, and for our sakes, I so wish that it will happen for us, but desperately? At all costs?
We are going to give it 3 tries. If it doesn't work, it wasn't meant to be. And we will deal with it then. For now, let's just say I have reserved hope that we can do this. Cautiously optomistic (because i gotta protect my heart in case it doesn't).
And baby makes 3. or 4. Whatever :)
Special thanks to Di, who is a fantastic listener :)
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The doctor is in da HOUSE!
Wowy wow wow.
Our first appointment with Dr. Claman was on Wednesday. It went SUPER awesome!! I was really nervous about him, I had heard great things about the clinic, and then not great things about the clinic and about him. So I was apprehensive, but I needn’t have worried, we hit it off immediately! We talked about history etc etc, that IVF was the best option for us, and when/how to get started. Chris was hilariously nervous in the car on the way in, but even he said, wow, he was impressed with you. I think doing all the research and looking up his journal articles helped me be a lot more informed than the average person who walks into his office. The biology degree also helps. :) I dressed as I would for work.. I wanted to portray an intelligent professional manner. Other couples in the office- baggy, ass-hanging-out jeans and a ball cap? Really? REALLY?
He took a quick internal, noting that I was too late in my current cycle to start right away, because I had already ovulated. So I do bloodwork on day 3 of my next cycle, and go in for my base ultrasound June 2nd!!! Where it goes from there depends on the condition of my follicles. I really hope we can start right away. Already the waiting for the next appointment is killing me!
He also said because we do not have insurance coverage on the drugs (around $3K) he will give us what amounts to about $1K in free drugs. I’m still pissed about that. I new that my insurance wouldn’t cover it, the POS that it is. But Chris USED to have coverage, and the change in unions and therefore change in insurance company nixed that damn it.
There are options on how we can go about it. The actual procedure costs $6K for each round. OR they have a new option where for $12,300 they give you 3 cycles. Basically 3 for the price of 2. He said the likelihood that you will be pregnant after 3 chances is significantly higher than with just one, so my parents and I are mulling over that. Because if you fail on the first one, you are paying $6K anyway to try again. Why not have the insurance that they will pony up for the third try? The down side is I’m pretty sure he said if you are successful with the first try they keep the money. What’s up with that?
Lots of info to take in, but so happy it went smoothly and really excited that he seemed really positive on our chances of it happening really really soon! I’ve never wanted my period to come so bad in my whole entire life! Well except a few times with … never mind!
And because all posts are better with a picture, we went to the tulip festival after leaving the doc's office. I dragged Chris screaming and kicking the whole way.
Tulips make me happy :)
Our first appointment with Dr. Claman was on Wednesday. It went SUPER awesome!! I was really nervous about him, I had heard great things about the clinic, and then not great things about the clinic and about him. So I was apprehensive, but I needn’t have worried, we hit it off immediately! We talked about history etc etc, that IVF was the best option for us, and when/how to get started. Chris was hilariously nervous in the car on the way in, but even he said, wow, he was impressed with you. I think doing all the research and looking up his journal articles helped me be a lot more informed than the average person who walks into his office. The biology degree also helps. :) I dressed as I would for work.. I wanted to portray an intelligent professional manner. Other couples in the office- baggy, ass-hanging-out jeans and a ball cap? Really? REALLY?
He took a quick internal, noting that I was too late in my current cycle to start right away, because I had already ovulated. So I do bloodwork on day 3 of my next cycle, and go in for my base ultrasound June 2nd!!! Where it goes from there depends on the condition of my follicles. I really hope we can start right away. Already the waiting for the next appointment is killing me!
He also said because we do not have insurance coverage on the drugs (around $3K) he will give us what amounts to about $1K in free drugs. I’m still pissed about that. I new that my insurance wouldn’t cover it, the POS that it is. But Chris USED to have coverage, and the change in unions and therefore change in insurance company nixed that damn it.
There are options on how we can go about it. The actual procedure costs $6K for each round. OR they have a new option where for $12,300 they give you 3 cycles. Basically 3 for the price of 2. He said the likelihood that you will be pregnant after 3 chances is significantly higher than with just one, so my parents and I are mulling over that. Because if you fail on the first one, you are paying $6K anyway to try again. Why not have the insurance that they will pony up for the third try? The down side is I’m pretty sure he said if you are successful with the first try they keep the money. What’s up with that?
Lots of info to take in, but so happy it went smoothly and really excited that he seemed really positive on our chances of it happening really really soon! I’ve never wanted my period to come so bad in my whole entire life! Well except a few times with … never mind!
And because all posts are better with a picture, we went to the tulip festival after leaving the doc's office. I dragged Chris screaming and kicking the whole way.
Tulips make me happy :)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Breakneck speed
Wow, so I didn't think this would happen so fast. We got the call our initial consultation appointment is next Wednesday! Holy crap.
Here is the thing: for 5 years I have put children in the back of my mind, knowing that it would be next to impossible for us to have children of our own. I was happy when friend after friend got pregnant and had kids. Happy for them, but detached in a way, refusing to let myself think about the fate that was my reality. I would defer my sadness when I saw the kids crying or carrying on, asking myself, if I could, would I really want it anyway?
The last couple of years though. They have been tough. Knowing how bad Chris wanted kids, feeling like a failure for not being able to give that to him (naturally). Guilt can do crazy things to your head and your heart. I came to this realization, this big revelation in my head that yes, I do want to be a mother. Then all of this happens, with mom and dad and the ball, she's a rolling, and then comes that fear again.
There are rational fears and irrational ones of course. Silly fears like fear of change. We are comfortable in how we are now, nothing to tie us down. But is that comfort or denial? Refusal to grow up and be 'adults'? I do suppose time will tell. Obviously your whole universe changes when you are a parent.
I KNOW in my head and my heart I will be a good mom, but I have little to no experience with little babies, like brand new ones. Can I do it? If they could come out like a year old that would be great, but that's not how it works.
I have the irrational fear of losing the child once I have it. Nightmares actually. This fear comes from not really having many losses in my life. I have both of my parents and they are still married. For 36 years of my life the 3 grandparents that I've known were with me (I lost them all last year). Can you be afraid of a child dying even before they are born? That's a little nutso.
Finally there is the very real fear that my parents are putting this money on the line, all of our emotions, and hopes. What if it doesn't work? What if it doesn't work? I can't even think about that. That guilt and sadness would be too much to bear.
Here is the thing: for 5 years I have put children in the back of my mind, knowing that it would be next to impossible for us to have children of our own. I was happy when friend after friend got pregnant and had kids. Happy for them, but detached in a way, refusing to let myself think about the fate that was my reality. I would defer my sadness when I saw the kids crying or carrying on, asking myself, if I could, would I really want it anyway?
The last couple of years though. They have been tough. Knowing how bad Chris wanted kids, feeling like a failure for not being able to give that to him (naturally). Guilt can do crazy things to your head and your heart. I came to this realization, this big revelation in my head that yes, I do want to be a mother. Then all of this happens, with mom and dad and the ball, she's a rolling, and then comes that fear again.
There are rational fears and irrational ones of course. Silly fears like fear of change. We are comfortable in how we are now, nothing to tie us down. But is that comfort or denial? Refusal to grow up and be 'adults'? I do suppose time will tell. Obviously your whole universe changes when you are a parent.
I KNOW in my head and my heart I will be a good mom, but I have little to no experience with little babies, like brand new ones. Can I do it? If they could come out like a year old that would be great, but that's not how it works.
I have the irrational fear of losing the child once I have it. Nightmares actually. This fear comes from not really having many losses in my life. I have both of my parents and they are still married. For 36 years of my life the 3 grandparents that I've known were with me (I lost them all last year). Can you be afraid of a child dying even before they are born? That's a little nutso.
Finally there is the very real fear that my parents are putting this money on the line, all of our emotions, and hopes. What if it doesn't work? What if it doesn't work? I can't even think about that. That guilt and sadness would be too much to bear.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
YAY for companionship!
I just found out a good friend from NYC is going to be doing IVF at the same time as me. Well earlier likely, since I haven't even had my consult yet, and they are well on their way to making it happen. At least I will have someone to talk to about the process and whole overwhelming-ness of it all that I'm SURE will happen once I get going on the whole thing.
I'm not normally an impatient person, but can we get started? Like NOW?
I'm not normally an impatient person, but can we get started? Like NOW?
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wow
Here is one of those life altering moments in your life. Terrifying but at the same time profound.
My parents have offered to pay for IVF. This is what Chris and I planned on asking them when we asked them to dinner Wednesday, but they beat us to it, unfathomably. We just got back from the Dominican. We talked at length about just asking them. Which in itself might have been the hardest conversation I've ever had, saved by them thinking of it first? Insane. Dad did most of the talking, and in the back of my mind, I just kept thinking, how incredible. I'm still obviously beyond words. How do you even begin to thank someone for giving you a gift like that?
But, the option, the hope that I might be a mother scares me. I had started to come to terms with the fact that I might not be a mom. I have lived without this hope for a number of years, maybe hiding behind it. Chris and I are used to our independent life. Am I too selfish to be a good parent? But it's here in front of me now.
And instantly I'm afraid.
My parents have offered to pay for IVF. This is what Chris and I planned on asking them when we asked them to dinner Wednesday, but they beat us to it, unfathomably. We just got back from the Dominican. We talked at length about just asking them. Which in itself might have been the hardest conversation I've ever had, saved by them thinking of it first? Insane. Dad did most of the talking, and in the back of my mind, I just kept thinking, how incredible. I'm still obviously beyond words. How do you even begin to thank someone for giving you a gift like that?
But, the option, the hope that I might be a mother scares me. I had started to come to terms with the fact that I might not be a mom. I have lived without this hope for a number of years, maybe hiding behind it. Chris and I are used to our independent life. Am I too selfish to be a good parent? But it's here in front of me now.
And instantly I'm afraid.
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