The irony of it all

How ironic that the day I stop bleeding is the day I find out we had a chemical pregnancy. The last 2 weeks have been not fun to say the least. The analogy of a rollercoaster is often used in this process, and really is accurate. The process stimming, ER and ET is like the long steep ascent to the top of the first big hill, full of optimism, excitement and enthusiasm. The 2WW is like those few terrifying seconds at the top, waiting for the drop. See it really isn’t that long, but it seems like forever, because it’s not always the fall itself, but the anticipation of the fall that’s most exhilarating. My fast decent started just a few days before my beta test when I started bleeding. Then I was up! Then I was down, up down up down until I now, when I’m at the end of this ride.

Here is how my betas shook down:

Beta #1 Wed Aug. 11, 25 Progesterone 32
Beta #2 Fri Aug. 13, 66 Progesterone 36
Beta #3 Mon Aug. 16, 191 Progesterone 10
Beta #4 Wed Aug. 18 150 Progesterone 7


The progesterone crashing on beta 3 was the big indicator that this wasn’t the one. I mean people have low betas and go on to have healthy pregnancies. Just not me, not this time. I have one more blood test on Monday to confirm the levels have gone back (or on their way back) to baseline. We take a couple of weeks off, then go and see Dr. C on September 2nd to go over the cycle and figure the best time to cycle again.

Here’s a little of what I’m feeling: sadness, guilt, fear, anger. I was so optimistic when this started that I would be first time lucky. Remember back then? Sure we had a 45% chance of it happening, which meant a 55% chance of it not happening. Yesterday was a hard day. The morning was brutal, sitting talking to the nurse. I cried, making Chris feel helpless. I’m not usually the emotional one. I’m the strong one, the head-in-the-game one, the rock. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable, though sometimes I need a hug, and to just cry it out. C understands, but it’s not happening TO him, his hormones, his body.

The next time will be better, right? I’ll know what I’m doing, I’ll be more comfortable with the meds, and most important, know what to expect. I’ll know what to ask. I will take time off after ET. Maybe a week’s holidays if C can get the time off.

But oh, GOD what if it doesn’t happen next time and we have to rely on that last egg in the basket? Don’t get ahead of yourself. One cycle at a time, one day at a time. I can only do the best I can, and let my body take care of the rest.