The doctor is in da HOUSE!

Wowy wow wow.

Our first appointment with Dr. Claman was on Wednesday. It went SUPER awesome!! I was really nervous about him, I had heard great things about the clinic, and then not great things about the clinic and about him. So I was apprehensive, but I needn’t have worried, we hit it off immediately! We talked about history etc etc, that IVF was the best option for us, and when/how to get started. Chris was hilariously nervous in the car on the way in, but even he said, wow, he was impressed with you. I think doing all the research and looking up his journal articles helped me be a lot more informed than the average person who walks into his office. The biology degree also helps. :) I dressed as I would for work.. I wanted to portray an intelligent professional manner. Other couples in the office- baggy, ass-hanging-out jeans and a ball cap? Really? REALLY?

He took a quick internal, noting that I was too late in my current cycle to start right away, because I had already ovulated. So I do bloodwork on day 3 of my next cycle, and go in for my base ultrasound June 2nd!!! Where it goes from there depends on the condition of my follicles. I really hope we can start right away. Already the waiting for the next appointment is killing me!

He also said because we do not have insurance coverage on the drugs (around $3K) he will give us what amounts to about $1K in free drugs. I’m still pissed about that. I new that my insurance wouldn’t cover it, the POS that it is. But Chris USED to have coverage, and the change in unions and therefore change in insurance company nixed that damn it.

There are options on how we can go about it. The actual procedure costs $6K for each round. OR they have a new option where for $12,300 they give you 3 cycles. Basically 3 for the price of 2. He said the likelihood that you will be pregnant after 3 chances is significantly higher than with just one, so my parents and I are mulling over that. Because if you fail on the first one, you are paying $6K anyway to try again. Why not have the insurance that they will pony up for the third try? The down side is I’m pretty sure he said if you are successful with the first try they keep the money. What’s up with that?

Lots of info to take in, but so happy it went smoothly and really excited that he seemed really positive on our chances of it happening really really soon! I’ve never wanted my period to come so bad in my whole entire life! Well except a few times with … never mind!

And because all posts are better with a picture, we went to the tulip festival after leaving the doc's office. I dragged Chris screaming and kicking the whole way.





Tulips make me happy :)

Breakneck speed

Wow, so I didn't think this would happen so fast. We got the call our initial consultation appointment is next Wednesday! Holy crap.

Here is the thing: for 5 years I have put children in the back of my mind, knowing that it would be next to impossible for us to have children of our own. I was happy when friend after friend got pregnant and had kids. Happy for them, but detached in a way, refusing to let myself think about the fate that was my reality. I would defer my sadness when I saw the kids crying or carrying on, asking myself, if I could, would I really want it anyway?

The last couple of years though. They have been tough. Knowing how bad Chris wanted kids, feeling like a failure for not being able to give that to him (naturally). Guilt can do crazy things to your head and your heart. I came to this realization, this big revelation in my head that yes, I do want to be a mother. Then all of this happens, with mom and dad and the ball, she's a rolling, and then comes that fear again.

There are rational fears and irrational ones of course. Silly fears like fear of change. We are comfortable in how we are now, nothing to tie us down. But is that comfort or denial? Refusal to grow up and be 'adults'? I do suppose time will tell. Obviously your whole universe changes when you are a parent.

I KNOW in my head and my heart I will be a good mom, but I have little to no experience with little babies, like brand new ones. Can I do it? If they could come out like a year old that would be great, but that's not how it works.

I have the irrational fear of losing the child once I have it. Nightmares actually. This fear comes from not really having many losses in my life. I have both of my parents and they are still married. For 36 years of my life the 3 grandparents that I've known were with me (I lost them all last year). Can you be afraid of a child dying even before they are born? That's a little nutso.

Finally there is the very real fear that my parents are putting this money on the line, all of our emotions, and hopes. What if it doesn't work? What if it doesn't work? I can't even think about that. That guilt and sadness would be too much to bear.