So that beta Monday that was supposed to confirm I am back to baseline? Not so much. I shot back to 450. Enough that they were seriously worried about ectopic.
So another ultrasound today confirmed that this 'pregnancy' is not in the uterus, or tubes or anywhere they can see.
My beta dropped back down to 50. One more test Monday (heard that before!) and hopefully we will be back to zeros.
It's so weird that this is good news. So weird that this is the best we could hope for. Weird and sad.
And I started bleeding again. Fab!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The irony of it all
How ironic that the day I stop bleeding is the day I find out we had a chemical pregnancy. The last 2 weeks have been not fun to say the least. The analogy of a rollercoaster is often used in this process, and really is accurate. The process stimming, ER and ET is like the long steep ascent to the top of the first big hill, full of optimism, excitement and enthusiasm. The 2WW is like those few terrifying seconds at the top, waiting for the drop. See it really isn’t that long, but it seems like forever, because it’s not always the fall itself, but the anticipation of the fall that’s most exhilarating. My fast decent started just a few days before my beta test when I started bleeding. Then I was up! Then I was down, up down up down until I now, when I’m at the end of this ride.
Here is how my betas shook down:
Beta #1 Wed Aug. 11, 25 Progesterone 32
Beta #2 Fri Aug. 13, 66 Progesterone 36
Beta #3 Mon Aug. 16, 191 Progesterone 10
Beta #4 Wed Aug. 18 150 Progesterone 7
The progesterone crashing on beta 3 was the big indicator that this wasn’t the one. I mean people have low betas and go on to have healthy pregnancies. Just not me, not this time. I have one more blood test on Monday to confirm the levels have gone back (or on their way back) to baseline. We take a couple of weeks off, then go and see Dr. C on September 2nd to go over the cycle and figure the best time to cycle again.
Here’s a little of what I’m feeling: sadness, guilt, fear, anger. I was so optimistic when this started that I would be first time lucky. Remember back then? Sure we had a 45% chance of it happening, which meant a 55% chance of it not happening. Yesterday was a hard day. The morning was brutal, sitting talking to the nurse. I cried, making Chris feel helpless. I’m not usually the emotional one. I’m the strong one, the head-in-the-game one, the rock. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable, though sometimes I need a hug, and to just cry it out. C understands, but it’s not happening TO him, his hormones, his body.
The next time will be better, right? I’ll know what I’m doing, I’ll be more comfortable with the meds, and most important, know what to expect. I’ll know what to ask. I will take time off after ET. Maybe a week’s holidays if C can get the time off.
But oh, GOD what if it doesn’t happen next time and we have to rely on that last egg in the basket? Don’t get ahead of yourself. One cycle at a time, one day at a time. I can only do the best I can, and let my body take care of the rest.
Here is how my betas shook down:
Beta #1 Wed Aug. 11, 25 Progesterone 32
Beta #2 Fri Aug. 13, 66 Progesterone 36
Beta #3 Mon Aug. 16, 191 Progesterone 10
Beta #4 Wed Aug. 18 150 Progesterone 7
The progesterone crashing on beta 3 was the big indicator that this wasn’t the one. I mean people have low betas and go on to have healthy pregnancies. Just not me, not this time. I have one more blood test on Monday to confirm the levels have gone back (or on their way back) to baseline. We take a couple of weeks off, then go and see Dr. C on September 2nd to go over the cycle and figure the best time to cycle again.
Here’s a little of what I’m feeling: sadness, guilt, fear, anger. I was so optimistic when this started that I would be first time lucky. Remember back then? Sure we had a 45% chance of it happening, which meant a 55% chance of it not happening. Yesterday was a hard day. The morning was brutal, sitting talking to the nurse. I cried, making Chris feel helpless. I’m not usually the emotional one. I’m the strong one, the head-in-the-game one, the rock. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable, though sometimes I need a hug, and to just cry it out. C understands, but it’s not happening TO him, his hormones, his body.
The next time will be better, right? I’ll know what I’m doing, I’ll be more comfortable with the meds, and most important, know what to expect. I’ll know what to ask. I will take time off after ET. Maybe a week’s holidays if C can get the time off.
But oh, GOD what if it doesn’t happen next time and we have to rely on that last egg in the basket? Don’t get ahead of yourself. One cycle at a time, one day at a time. I can only do the best I can, and let my body take care of the rest.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Beta day
Well there is good news and bad news. The good news is it's positive! The not so good news is, first, I'm still bleeding, and second, the beta number is low, 25.6. The nurse was careful not to give away too much (again), saying it's not the number that's important, but the fact that it doubles at the next beta, which they want me in for on Friday. So we get to wait again!
I feel so much better today though. Just the clinic calling and saying yes, it's positive is in itself awesome, and I have some fantastic support in the way of friends (real and online) that are helping
me through this crazy rollercoaster. There seems to be lots of stories of bleeders and low betas out there that it's giving me sufficient optimism that i can pull this off! I hope that this little one can hang on, it's been a bumpy road so far!
I feel so much better today though. Just the clinic calling and saying yes, it's positive is in itself awesome, and I have some fantastic support in the way of friends (real and online) that are helping
me through this crazy rollercoaster. There seems to be lots of stories of bleeders and low betas out there that it's giving me sufficient optimism that i can pull this off! I hope that this little one can hang on, it's been a bumpy road so far!
Truth takes time
We are headed into town for my blood test to confirm what I don't know. It's been a strange and scary few days.
To sum up, I started spotting on Sunday, and it's been (I think anyway) full flow for 2 days. BUT I did a pregnancy test on Monday and it's positive, so I have no idea what's going on.
I've heard lots of things in the last few days, could be a cyst, could be the second blast that didn't make it, etc. I've tried not to stress. Tried.
Only time will tell.
- Posted from my iphone!
To sum up, I started spotting on Sunday, and it's been (I think anyway) full flow for 2 days. BUT I did a pregnancy test on Monday and it's positive, so I have no idea what's going on.
I've heard lots of things in the last few days, could be a cyst, could be the second blast that didn't make it, etc. I've tried not to stress. Tried.
Only time will tell.
- Posted from my iphone!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The worry begins
I have to admit, I've been really lucky so far in the symptom/worry department. I responded well to the medications, my retrieval and transfer went off without a hitch, and up to this point in the 2 week wait, no problems or worries.
Until today. I've had spotting all day, sometimes light, sometimes heavy-ish. Of course, the consensus is that this is perfectly normal implantation bleeding. Normal until it's happening to ME! Good gravy, I am fa-reaked out!
So yes I've been stressed today because my animals got into some rat poison and spent the better part of the morning (and the better part of my paycheque!) at the vet. They will be fine, but my nerves are shot. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. Just lay on the couch and chilled. Now I'm in bed and I'm crampy too (which is also apparently normal!)
I want a Sunday do over!
Here's Sundays picture anyway. Hard not to smile. I'm so glad my babies are going to be OK!
Until today. I've had spotting all day, sometimes light, sometimes heavy-ish. Of course, the consensus is that this is perfectly normal implantation bleeding. Normal until it's happening to ME! Good gravy, I am fa-reaked out!
So yes I've been stressed today because my animals got into some rat poison and spent the better part of the morning (and the better part of my paycheque!) at the vet. They will be fine, but my nerves are shot. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day. Just lay on the couch and chilled. Now I'm in bed and I'm crampy too (which is also apparently normal!)
I want a Sunday do over!
Here's Sundays picture anyway. Hard not to smile. I'm so glad my babies are going to be OK!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Huge update, sorry it took so long!
I’ve started this post two or three times already, but couldn’t come up with the words to describe this truly amazing thing that is happening to me. It’s been a little overwhelming, emotionally and physically.
I suppose I left off the night of trigger. It was weird the next day, not having to take any shots. I had become so used to my injection schedule running my life. 8 am orgalutran, 6pm repronex and puregon. Day after day.
The morning of egg retrieval was full of excitement and apprehension. How many follicles would be mature? How many eggs would I get? How many would fertilize? It seems with this process you are always waiting for something. Waiting for the next step, or the next news. You never seem to be out of the woods. I have to say the drugs they gave me for my retrieval were fine! I was a giggling school girl. Chris was amused at my antics while waiting and in the procedure room. The blood pressure monitoring seemed to be the source of my amusement. I felt no pain at all. When Dr. V went to my left ovary first, I didn’t even flinch. Impressive, the nurse said! I didn’t even know they had started! I felt a bit of a pinch on the right side, but again, not uncomfortable at all.
In all, they retrieved 12 follicles, and 10 eggs. Then they mixed with Chris’s boys and the next morning the report came back 9 fertilized! Amazing! We were scheduled for a 5 day transfer, which is everyone’s wish in the IVF world.
So we wait 5 days for transfer. Of course they don’t give you a play by play to know how your little guys are doing, so on Friday I was wondering how all the little ones did, but happy that they hadn’t called me early for a 3 day transfer instead. Full bladder ultrasounds and I do not mix. The last time I did one I had a full on panic attack, and it was horrible. So this time I erred on the side of not drinking enough. HA! So, my procedure was pushed back a bit while I drank some more. In the end, we put in 2 little embies. One full blast, and one morula that was just on the cusp of being a blast. I’m happy with that. None of our other guys were of sufficient quality to freeze though. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I mean we had 9 to start, and only ended up with 2?
Here is a little picture of the procedure. This is a picture of the scan, so not all that great, but you can see 2 white spots on the left. Those are air bubbles, and the babies are in between those 2 bubbles. Dr. L was excellent. Patient with my bladder, funny and put us at ease instantly :)
It’s been 8 days since the transfer. I’ve had no problems with hyperstimulation, no symptoms, except a dull ache in my nether regions that’s been pretty constant. I don’t know what’s going on down there. Today is Saturday and I go for my blood test on Wednesday. 4 more days. The waiting is horrible. I haven’t had any spotting or blood at all. Did it work? Did one or both take? Am I pregnant for real?
Time will tell. A beta (blood test) on Wednesday, an ultrasound 3 weeks after that, and I’m still not in the clear. You wait and hope you don’t have a miscarriage. Like I said, the waiting and worry never ends. I’m not a God believer, but I still pray, plead, beg for this to happen for me, for us, for our family. I talk to the little babies in my belly and hope they settle in for a long comfy ride to this world.
Promise I’ll write more soon.
I suppose I left off the night of trigger. It was weird the next day, not having to take any shots. I had become so used to my injection schedule running my life. 8 am orgalutran, 6pm repronex and puregon. Day after day.
The morning of egg retrieval was full of excitement and apprehension. How many follicles would be mature? How many eggs would I get? How many would fertilize? It seems with this process you are always waiting for something. Waiting for the next step, or the next news. You never seem to be out of the woods. I have to say the drugs they gave me for my retrieval were fine! I was a giggling school girl. Chris was amused at my antics while waiting and in the procedure room. The blood pressure monitoring seemed to be the source of my amusement. I felt no pain at all. When Dr. V went to my left ovary first, I didn’t even flinch. Impressive, the nurse said! I didn’t even know they had started! I felt a bit of a pinch on the right side, but again, not uncomfortable at all.
In all, they retrieved 12 follicles, and 10 eggs. Then they mixed with Chris’s boys and the next morning the report came back 9 fertilized! Amazing! We were scheduled for a 5 day transfer, which is everyone’s wish in the IVF world.
So we wait 5 days for transfer. Of course they don’t give you a play by play to know how your little guys are doing, so on Friday I was wondering how all the little ones did, but happy that they hadn’t called me early for a 3 day transfer instead. Full bladder ultrasounds and I do not mix. The last time I did one I had a full on panic attack, and it was horrible. So this time I erred on the side of not drinking enough. HA! So, my procedure was pushed back a bit while I drank some more. In the end, we put in 2 little embies. One full blast, and one morula that was just on the cusp of being a blast. I’m happy with that. None of our other guys were of sufficient quality to freeze though. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I mean we had 9 to start, and only ended up with 2?
Here is a little picture of the procedure. This is a picture of the scan, so not all that great, but you can see 2 white spots on the left. Those are air bubbles, and the babies are in between those 2 bubbles. Dr. L was excellent. Patient with my bladder, funny and put us at ease instantly :)
It’s been 8 days since the transfer. I’ve had no problems with hyperstimulation, no symptoms, except a dull ache in my nether regions that’s been pretty constant. I don’t know what’s going on down there. Today is Saturday and I go for my blood test on Wednesday. 4 more days. The waiting is horrible. I haven’t had any spotting or blood at all. Did it work? Did one or both take? Am I pregnant for real?
Time will tell. A beta (blood test) on Wednesday, an ultrasound 3 weeks after that, and I’m still not in the clear. You wait and hope you don’t have a miscarriage. Like I said, the waiting and worry never ends. I’m not a God believer, but I still pray, plead, beg for this to happen for me, for us, for our family. I talk to the little babies in my belly and hope they settle in for a long comfy ride to this world.
Promise I’ll write more soon.
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