Trigger happy

So this is really it. I just did my final injection of this (hoping only) cycle. The trigger shot. Holy crap.

I've felt horrible all day. Bloated, gassy, crampy. Let's just say there's a lot going on down there right now. I'd love to wear jammy jams to work tomorrow, because I don't think any of my pants will fit.

I'm nervously excited for what's to come. They are taking my eggs outside of my body, and returning little babies next week. Science is so freaking awesome! It staggers the mind, truly.

I'd write more, but I'm just so tired all the time, I'm falling asleep as I write this. More soon, promise.

It's almost time!

Update: My follicles are progressing nicely! 5 on the left measurable, and 3 on the right, hangin in, and a bunch more that are really close.

I met Dr. Min today. I have to say all the doctors there are super nice. AND they make you feel like they haven't *just* looked at your chart, even though they have. When I met Dr. Kortarba yesterday, she thought maybe I might trigger today, but Dr. Min wanted to give it 1 more day for some of the smaller follicles to catch up. SUPER! More injections! 1 more bloodwork and ultrasound appointment tomorrow and I will know for sure.

This means that my retrieval will be on Sunday, so I don't have to miss work. Then transfer will be Wednesday or Friday, just in time for the long weekend! WAHOO! Seriously, I could be (WILL BE) pregnant by next weekend. Crazy. Insane. FAST! BAAAAH! I'm so happy I have follicles. When I found out I was a poor responder on top of my tubal issues, that guilt thing popped up again. If I can't make a baby naturally, will I be a mother naturally? Did we wait to long? Will I be able to grow follicles? Are my parents wasting crazy amounts of money for something that won't work? Why can't things be easy? Well here is my answer. It might not be easy, but it sure is fast!

I mean I wanted it to happen fast, but holy crap. I hope it works I hope it works I hope it works. I'm tired all the time. Probably the drugs, but probably also being up at 5:30 to drive into the city, poke, prod, drive back (usually to work).

Everyone says I will be a great mom. Chris thinks so, and that's what's important. I already know how it's going to be. He'll be fun dad, and I'll be tough mom. Story of my life! Well I am a good mom to my furbabies, because they tell me so, and they don't lie.

It's Milo's birthday today! Happy Birthday big boy!

The face of infertility

It's crazy the emotions us infertiles go through in the pursuit for children, particularly the IVF roller coaster. I saw this stark contrast today while I was in for my scan, literally in the space of about 2 minutes.

As I was leaving my appointment with my RE, a happy enough meeting -as I now have 6 follicles - I ran into a couple who looked as though they were just leaving ER, or maybe ET. They were in scrubs, and she was crying tears of joy. I felt so happy for her!

Then I saw the complete opposite as I made my way to the parking lot. One woman, alone, crying on the curb. I went over to comfort her. She had just received her Beta test results back from her transfer, and it was negative. So sad.

This can be a cruel and unrelenting process.

My thoughts are with both of these sisters.


- Posted from my iphone!

Happy birthday to me

Maybe my last childless birthday today, and I felt pretty much alone. Kind of sad, I suppose too, in a hormonal kind of way. I had my trusty Milo with me though, he always keeps me company!

Missing Chris as I usually do on Sundays. It's hard him being away for the weekends. I sure hope he can find work closer by the fall. The thought of him taking another layoff over the winter if I am pregnant is not ideal from a financial point of view. We barely made it through last winter. Bare minimums on everything! That is one stress I could definitely do without.

I go in again in the morning for bloodwork and ultrasound again. I hope it's good news!


- Posted from my iphone!

Stimming... so ... fun?

I swear I'm turning into a pincushion. Not the most pleasant thing, injecting yourself multiple times a day. Most of the injections are fine, I'm not one of those faint-at-the-sight-of-needles kind of girl. Injecting myself is a new twist though! Not a big fan of the repronex. The manual mixing of liquid into powder has a LOT of room for error, and when you don't get it quite right, the body suffers. Not enough diluent will result in a swollen, itchy belly. Like crazy itchy. This has happened to me twice.

The worst is having to do it at work on late nights. I mean really, jamming myself into the bathroom or the sweatbox lunch room upstairs with my pouch of goodies? If it wasn't so time sensitive, I'd say screw it and wait till I get home, but I'm a good little patient, and I can't risk screwing this up for the sake of personal dignity. HA!

As I get further into the process, I really see how this can start to take over your life. Sorry, I can't make it to your ball game Chris, it's in the middle of when I have to jab myself. The hormones are kicking in too. I feel sometimes like I'm going to lose my shit over the smallest things. I just have to keep reminding myself that it'll all work out in the end. And freaking PRAY I don't have to do this multiple times!

I had my first bloodwork and ultrasound appointment yesterday. Leaving at 6:30am to drive to Ottawa, sit in the waiting room with a dozen or so other women waiting to be stuck and prodded. Drive back and go to work for the rest of the day. Good times. I did get to meet one of the message board girls though, so that was fun. A little friendly support from someone else who is going through it right now really helps.


I have 2 follicles so far. Boo, I was hoping for more. But it's early yet, and I have lots more drugs to take. Fantastic.

More drugs, then more poking and prodding Monday morning.

the baby will wait for no one!

AF is here early, again. I swear, this is all happening rather fast!!

I start my stimulation drugs tomorrow then! WAHOO!

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

How are you feeling?

I get asked this question a lot as I'm going through this epic journey.

Physically, I'm good so far. The shots are not unbearable. They don't hurt at all going in, but the medication stings a bit. Not the end of the world by any means. I'm not a wuss for needles, so it's not a big deal. I've been poked an prodded enough in my life that I just had to get over the whole "self-administered" thing and I was good to go. You just do it and move on to the next thing.

Mentally, it's kind of the same thing. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to answer that question. How do I feel? I guess I'm just a straight shooter. It is what it is. I'm not a basket case (at least the drugs have not made me so up to this point), so I just say that I'm cautiously optimistic that things are going to work out. I've never been an overly emotional person though. Who knows what I will be like 3 weeks from now when I'm at ER and ET and am what they call PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise.. cute). Waiting for that 2 week BETA is the worst part of the whole gig, from what I hear.

What will I be like when I hear the news if it's positive or negative? I suppose I just have to go by my past history. If it's negative, I will take some time, talk to my doctor about why it was not successful and move on to the next try. If it's positive, I'll be cautiously optimistic until second BETA and ultrasound! HA! I'm nothing if not consistent.

Maybe I'm not being as self-aware as I need to be, but I think I've got a pretty good grasp of what's going on. Ya, this is pretty big, in the kind of life-altering scale, so I have given it some thought.

I think having two other tries in my pocket is a little bit of insurance too. Still hoping that I'm first time lucky, but really, I'll be a hell of a lot more nervous if we're at the 3rd try. Bottom of the ninth, 2 out, you know? I suppose we cross THAT bridge when we get to it.

A patch or 2 left to go and I wait for lovely Aunt Flow, then the wild ride of stims starts. Fantastic!! Let's get it on!

Patches and pills and injectable oh my!

I got my kit with the first part of my pills the other day. Uh, wow. A little overwhelming when you lay it all out like that. Funny all the different ways $2500 looks like.

This time it looked like this:


I start my patches on Wednesday, and my injections on Thursday. At least I don't have problems with needles, because it looks like the needle and I will become quite intimate in the next few weeks.

The nurse said I could be at ER as early as the 22nd. Crap are you kidding me? It seems like just yesterday I was at my GP's looking for a referral, I mean it was April 23! And I'm maybe 3 weeks from ER/ET and maybe pregnant! It's a little gonzo.

Still trying not to get wrapped up in it all though,trying to keep a level head. I've been so long without the hope of it ever happening, that I'm trying not to think too far ahead. Besides, it's best to think of the first try as a 'dry run' they say, because who knows how I will respond to the drugs. However, first time lucky would be really great. No, really great. Send me a little positive energy if you have some to spare, will ya?? Thanks so much. :)