Breakneck speed

Wow, so I didn't think this would happen so fast. We got the call our initial consultation appointment is next Wednesday! Holy crap.

Here is the thing: for 5 years I have put children in the back of my mind, knowing that it would be next to impossible for us to have children of our own. I was happy when friend after friend got pregnant and had kids. Happy for them, but detached in a way, refusing to let myself think about the fate that was my reality. I would defer my sadness when I saw the kids crying or carrying on, asking myself, if I could, would I really want it anyway?

The last couple of years though. They have been tough. Knowing how bad Chris wanted kids, feeling like a failure for not being able to give that to him (naturally). Guilt can do crazy things to your head and your heart. I came to this realization, this big revelation in my head that yes, I do want to be a mother. Then all of this happens, with mom and dad and the ball, she's a rolling, and then comes that fear again.

There are rational fears and irrational ones of course. Silly fears like fear of change. We are comfortable in how we are now, nothing to tie us down. But is that comfort or denial? Refusal to grow up and be 'adults'? I do suppose time will tell. Obviously your whole universe changes when you are a parent.

I KNOW in my head and my heart I will be a good mom, but I have little to no experience with little babies, like brand new ones. Can I do it? If they could come out like a year old that would be great, but that's not how it works.

I have the irrational fear of losing the child once I have it. Nightmares actually. This fear comes from not really having many losses in my life. I have both of my parents and they are still married. For 36 years of my life the 3 grandparents that I've known were with me (I lost them all last year). Can you be afraid of a child dying even before they are born? That's a little nutso.

Finally there is the very real fear that my parents are putting this money on the line, all of our emotions, and hopes. What if it doesn't work? What if it doesn't work? I can't even think about that. That guilt and sadness would be too much to bear.