Feelings, nothing more than feelings

How are you feeling?

I get asked this question a lot as I'm going through this epic journey.

Physically, I'm good so far. The shots are not unbearable. They don't hurt at all going in, but the medication stings a bit. Not the end of the world by any means. I'm not a wuss for needles, so it's not a big deal. I've been poked an prodded enough in my life that I just had to get over the whole "self-administered" thing and I was good to go. You just do it and move on to the next thing.

Mentally, it's kind of the same thing. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to answer that question. How do I feel? I guess I'm just a straight shooter. It is what it is. I'm not a basket case (at least the drugs have not made me so up to this point), so I just say that I'm cautiously optimistic that things are going to work out. I've never been an overly emotional person though. Who knows what I will be like 3 weeks from now when I'm at ER and ET and am what they call PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise.. cute). Waiting for that 2 week BETA is the worst part of the whole gig, from what I hear.

What will I be like when I hear the news if it's positive or negative? I suppose I just have to go by my past history. If it's negative, I will take some time, talk to my doctor about why it was not successful and move on to the next try. If it's positive, I'll be cautiously optimistic until second BETA and ultrasound! HA! I'm nothing if not consistent.

Maybe I'm not being as self-aware as I need to be, but I think I've got a pretty good grasp of what's going on. Ya, this is pretty big, in the kind of life-altering scale, so I have given it some thought.

I think having two other tries in my pocket is a little bit of insurance too. Still hoping that I'm first time lucky, but really, I'll be a hell of a lot more nervous if we're at the 3rd try. Bottom of the ninth, 2 out, you know? I suppose we cross THAT bridge when we get to it.

A patch or 2 left to go and I wait for lovely Aunt Flow, then the wild ride of stims starts. Fantastic!! Let's get it on!

Patches and pills and injectable oh my!

I got my kit with the first part of my pills the other day. Uh, wow. A little overwhelming when you lay it all out like that. Funny all the different ways $2500 looks like.

This time it looked like this:


I start my patches on Wednesday, and my injections on Thursday. At least I don't have problems with needles, because it looks like the needle and I will become quite intimate in the next few weeks.

The nurse said I could be at ER as early as the 22nd. Crap are you kidding me? It seems like just yesterday I was at my GP's looking for a referral, I mean it was April 23! And I'm maybe 3 weeks from ER/ET and maybe pregnant! It's a little gonzo.

Still trying not to get wrapped up in it all though,trying to keep a level head. I've been so long without the hope of it ever happening, that I'm trying not to think too far ahead. Besides, it's best to think of the first try as a 'dry run' they say, because who knows how I will respond to the drugs. However, first time lucky would be really great. No, really great. Send me a little positive energy if you have some to spare, will ya?? Thanks so much. :)

Phase one: Estrogen Priming

Pee on a stick. Boy this takes me back. Before I had my surgery to find out why we weren't getting pregnant, I made myself sick with the number of times I peed on a stick. A day late with my period? I was for sure pregnant, had to pee on a stick! Then the disappointment of it being negative. *shudder*. This is a whole different thing now though. I'm testing for ovulation, and low and behold, day 2 of testing, at 4:42am, no mistake. It's 2 lines, and it's positive!







So just a bit nervous now, because I'm not supposed to be at the clinic until tomorrow, and there is no way I can get there today with a coworker out on holidays. I will call the clinic. At a more reasonable time. Hopefully they can call the patch into a drug store here, because I should be starting that today. And then injections tomorrow! Eeeek!!

Stay tuned!

- Posted from my iphone!

Musings.

Still wondering if I'm going to be a good mom. I suppose when you are standing on the ledge of any huge life change you always will wonder these things. It wasn't that long ago that I wondered if I would EVER be a mom, much less a good one.

I'm starting to have baby dreams. Ut oh. Thankfully none that include dangling babies from open windows, Michael Jackson style. Actually, to think of it, I'm not actually having baby dreams, but pregnancy dreams. I suppose I dream one step at a time. HA! So I dream mostly of having a ginormous stomach, because I'm already foreshadowing twins for myself.

I have lots of stuff to do around the house so I'm naturally procrastinating. Today is Father's Day, so I will jump over to say hi to pops later. One thing in this I am certain of, is that Chris will be an awesome dad. Sad that I'm insecure about my role as a mother, but certain that Chris will have no problems as a dad.

And see, since I haven't actually started a cycle yet, I'm still nice and full of optimism that this whole crazy train that we are on will end with a baby.

I'm all over the place with this post, but that's how I think, so whatevs. I'm off to eat, finish laundry, shower and enjoy the day!

We have a schedule people!

Ok, so I changed the design of the blog. I'm flighty that way sometimes. I like this one. Pretty. Maple leaves. So.. me? :)

So the info session went well. LOTS of information, Chris was lost in the first 3 mintues. :p You could literally see his eyes glaze over. LOL.

So we got a little more information. And a plan. I go back to the clinic for a scheduling appointment on the 29th. I swear that's why it costs so much, so many appointments! This appointment will tell me about how to use the drug pen and needles. eep! More time off work. bzzt!

Anyway, I need to get a Clearblue ovulation kit and start peeing on a stick on the 27th (Sunday next). When it turns positive, I put on an estrogen patch. I change the patch every 2 days for 4 patches worth. The last one I keep on until I get my next period. The day after my first patch I start with a drug called oragalutran and that is a daily injection.

So, I will have 1 more period (around mid-July). On the 2nd day of my period, I will start 2 more drugs (again, injections) Puregon and repronex, along with the orgalutran. These are called stims and are meant to make lots of follicles that hopefully will have eggs in them. I will then go for bloodwork/ultrasounds every 2 days until the RE deems I have enough follicles that I am ready for retrieval. Then a final injection to ripen the eggs and retrieval then transfer!

That's all I know so far! Again, I will know more at my scheduling appointment. It seems they only give you enough information about your specific situation in small doses so you do not get overwhelmed, confused, freaked out etc. LOL

Going with the flow

I got my period today! Never been so happy for that to happen! Except for once in high school, but that's a different story!

So in we go for our information session on Thursday at 1:30. Already having to make arragements with work. The nurse just said this is when you need to be here, like assuming we don't have jobs or lives apart from this infertity thing.

To go off on a tangent here, I can't believe how sensitive some people are about the subject. Maybe it's just me, being analytical about it, rather than emotional, but honestly. I worry about the mental health of some of these women going through this process.

So anyway, I will know in depth about what my body will be going through in the next few months. It's uncomfortable for me to not know, I'm a little type A that way I think!

Every post needs a pic, so I will leave you with my fur babies! Xo.



- Posted from my iphone!

Big day tomorrow!

So tomorrow is our consent signing, ultrasound and talk with Dr. Claman. So exciting and a little nerve wracking!! But anxious to get the ball rolling, see where we stand, get a timeframe and maybe a protocol. Good stuff.

I was thinking about expectations of friends and family when going through IVF, and it's a hotly debated item on the ivf board. How many people do you tell and when? This has to be a very personal and individual thing. I'm so glad I have the support of a very few people that I have decided to share this journey with from the start. These are people that either understand what I am going through because they have or had fertility issues themselves, or just know me so well they love and support me and will be with me through the whole thing (you know who you are!) I'm sure everyone else will be happy when the miraculous news of my pregnancy hits the airwaves, but everyone doesn't need to know how I got there, and the gory details of every bloodtest and ultrasound.

The truth of the matter is I'm a very private person. But in exploring this, do I internalize most of my emotions, or am I indifferent to them? I think that is the great thing about blogging, because it forces me to think about things and not just shut myself off to what's happening in my life.

I remember vividly a girlfriend that was going through IVF telling everyone about her journey. She was totally different than me, and although it was really difficult for her to tell everyone about her miscarriages, she needed that love and support from all of her close friends. Myself, on the other hand, I would rather not have to do that. I'll continue to internalize 80% of what I'm feeling, and let the rest of it fall to those who I've allowed in to help me with.

Also, I'm not one of those girls that MUST have a baby in order to be fulfilled as a woman. I think. Pretty sure. I haven't been through the pain of a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage, so I don't know how I would handle that. There are many women on the ivf board who have been going through this process for years.. Procedure after procedure, try after try. It's crazy. I've been given this amazing opportunity, and for our sakes, I so wish that it will happen for us, but desperately? At all costs?

We are going to give it 3 tries. If it doesn't work, it wasn't meant to be. And we will deal with it then. For now, let's just say I have reserved hope that we can do this. Cautiously optomistic (because i gotta protect my heart in case it doesn't).

And baby makes 3. or 4. Whatever :)


Special thanks to Di, who is a fantastic listener :)