Phase one: Estrogen Priming

Pee on a stick. Boy this takes me back. Before I had my surgery to find out why we weren't getting pregnant, I made myself sick with the number of times I peed on a stick. A day late with my period? I was for sure pregnant, had to pee on a stick! Then the disappointment of it being negative. *shudder*. This is a whole different thing now though. I'm testing for ovulation, and low and behold, day 2 of testing, at 4:42am, no mistake. It's 2 lines, and it's positive!







So just a bit nervous now, because I'm not supposed to be at the clinic until tomorrow, and there is no way I can get there today with a coworker out on holidays. I will call the clinic. At a more reasonable time. Hopefully they can call the patch into a drug store here, because I should be starting that today. And then injections tomorrow! Eeeek!!

Stay tuned!

- Posted from my iphone!

Musings.

Still wondering if I'm going to be a good mom. I suppose when you are standing on the ledge of any huge life change you always will wonder these things. It wasn't that long ago that I wondered if I would EVER be a mom, much less a good one.

I'm starting to have baby dreams. Ut oh. Thankfully none that include dangling babies from open windows, Michael Jackson style. Actually, to think of it, I'm not actually having baby dreams, but pregnancy dreams. I suppose I dream one step at a time. HA! So I dream mostly of having a ginormous stomach, because I'm already foreshadowing twins for myself.

I have lots of stuff to do around the house so I'm naturally procrastinating. Today is Father's Day, so I will jump over to say hi to pops later. One thing in this I am certain of, is that Chris will be an awesome dad. Sad that I'm insecure about my role as a mother, but certain that Chris will have no problems as a dad.

And see, since I haven't actually started a cycle yet, I'm still nice and full of optimism that this whole crazy train that we are on will end with a baby.

I'm all over the place with this post, but that's how I think, so whatevs. I'm off to eat, finish laundry, shower and enjoy the day!

We have a schedule people!

Ok, so I changed the design of the blog. I'm flighty that way sometimes. I like this one. Pretty. Maple leaves. So.. me? :)

So the info session went well. LOTS of information, Chris was lost in the first 3 mintues. :p You could literally see his eyes glaze over. LOL.

So we got a little more information. And a plan. I go back to the clinic for a scheduling appointment on the 29th. I swear that's why it costs so much, so many appointments! This appointment will tell me about how to use the drug pen and needles. eep! More time off work. bzzt!

Anyway, I need to get a Clearblue ovulation kit and start peeing on a stick on the 27th (Sunday next). When it turns positive, I put on an estrogen patch. I change the patch every 2 days for 4 patches worth. The last one I keep on until I get my next period. The day after my first patch I start with a drug called oragalutran and that is a daily injection.

So, I will have 1 more period (around mid-July). On the 2nd day of my period, I will start 2 more drugs (again, injections) Puregon and repronex, along with the orgalutran. These are called stims and are meant to make lots of follicles that hopefully will have eggs in them. I will then go for bloodwork/ultrasounds every 2 days until the RE deems I have enough follicles that I am ready for retrieval. Then a final injection to ripen the eggs and retrieval then transfer!

That's all I know so far! Again, I will know more at my scheduling appointment. It seems they only give you enough information about your specific situation in small doses so you do not get overwhelmed, confused, freaked out etc. LOL

Going with the flow

I got my period today! Never been so happy for that to happen! Except for once in high school, but that's a different story!

So in we go for our information session on Thursday at 1:30. Already having to make arragements with work. The nurse just said this is when you need to be here, like assuming we don't have jobs or lives apart from this infertity thing.

To go off on a tangent here, I can't believe how sensitive some people are about the subject. Maybe it's just me, being analytical about it, rather than emotional, but honestly. I worry about the mental health of some of these women going through this process.

So anyway, I will know in depth about what my body will be going through in the next few months. It's uncomfortable for me to not know, I'm a little type A that way I think!

Every post needs a pic, so I will leave you with my fur babies! Xo.



- Posted from my iphone!

Big day tomorrow!

So tomorrow is our consent signing, ultrasound and talk with Dr. Claman. So exciting and a little nerve wracking!! But anxious to get the ball rolling, see where we stand, get a timeframe and maybe a protocol. Good stuff.

I was thinking about expectations of friends and family when going through IVF, and it's a hotly debated item on the ivf board. How many people do you tell and when? This has to be a very personal and individual thing. I'm so glad I have the support of a very few people that I have decided to share this journey with from the start. These are people that either understand what I am going through because they have or had fertility issues themselves, or just know me so well they love and support me and will be with me through the whole thing (you know who you are!) I'm sure everyone else will be happy when the miraculous news of my pregnancy hits the airwaves, but everyone doesn't need to know how I got there, and the gory details of every bloodtest and ultrasound.

The truth of the matter is I'm a very private person. But in exploring this, do I internalize most of my emotions, or am I indifferent to them? I think that is the great thing about blogging, because it forces me to think about things and not just shut myself off to what's happening in my life.

I remember vividly a girlfriend that was going through IVF telling everyone about her journey. She was totally different than me, and although it was really difficult for her to tell everyone about her miscarriages, she needed that love and support from all of her close friends. Myself, on the other hand, I would rather not have to do that. I'll continue to internalize 80% of what I'm feeling, and let the rest of it fall to those who I've allowed in to help me with.

Also, I'm not one of those girls that MUST have a baby in order to be fulfilled as a woman. I think. Pretty sure. I haven't been through the pain of a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage, so I don't know how I would handle that. There are many women on the ivf board who have been going through this process for years.. Procedure after procedure, try after try. It's crazy. I've been given this amazing opportunity, and for our sakes, I so wish that it will happen for us, but desperately? At all costs?

We are going to give it 3 tries. If it doesn't work, it wasn't meant to be. And we will deal with it then. For now, let's just say I have reserved hope that we can do this. Cautiously optomistic (because i gotta protect my heart in case it doesn't).

And baby makes 3. or 4. Whatever :)


Special thanks to Di, who is a fantastic listener :)

The doctor is in da HOUSE!

Wowy wow wow.

Our first appointment with Dr. Claman was on Wednesday. It went SUPER awesome!! I was really nervous about him, I had heard great things about the clinic, and then not great things about the clinic and about him. So I was apprehensive, but I needn’t have worried, we hit it off immediately! We talked about history etc etc, that IVF was the best option for us, and when/how to get started. Chris was hilariously nervous in the car on the way in, but even he said, wow, he was impressed with you. I think doing all the research and looking up his journal articles helped me be a lot more informed than the average person who walks into his office. The biology degree also helps. :) I dressed as I would for work.. I wanted to portray an intelligent professional manner. Other couples in the office- baggy, ass-hanging-out jeans and a ball cap? Really? REALLY?

He took a quick internal, noting that I was too late in my current cycle to start right away, because I had already ovulated. So I do bloodwork on day 3 of my next cycle, and go in for my base ultrasound June 2nd!!! Where it goes from there depends on the condition of my follicles. I really hope we can start right away. Already the waiting for the next appointment is killing me!

He also said because we do not have insurance coverage on the drugs (around $3K) he will give us what amounts to about $1K in free drugs. I’m still pissed about that. I new that my insurance wouldn’t cover it, the POS that it is. But Chris USED to have coverage, and the change in unions and therefore change in insurance company nixed that damn it.

There are options on how we can go about it. The actual procedure costs $6K for each round. OR they have a new option where for $12,300 they give you 3 cycles. Basically 3 for the price of 2. He said the likelihood that you will be pregnant after 3 chances is significantly higher than with just one, so my parents and I are mulling over that. Because if you fail on the first one, you are paying $6K anyway to try again. Why not have the insurance that they will pony up for the third try? The down side is I’m pretty sure he said if you are successful with the first try they keep the money. What’s up with that?

Lots of info to take in, but so happy it went smoothly and really excited that he seemed really positive on our chances of it happening really really soon! I’ve never wanted my period to come so bad in my whole entire life! Well except a few times with … never mind!

And because all posts are better with a picture, we went to the tulip festival after leaving the doc's office. I dragged Chris screaming and kicking the whole way.





Tulips make me happy :)

Breakneck speed

Wow, so I didn't think this would happen so fast. We got the call our initial consultation appointment is next Wednesday! Holy crap.

Here is the thing: for 5 years I have put children in the back of my mind, knowing that it would be next to impossible for us to have children of our own. I was happy when friend after friend got pregnant and had kids. Happy for them, but detached in a way, refusing to let myself think about the fate that was my reality. I would defer my sadness when I saw the kids crying or carrying on, asking myself, if I could, would I really want it anyway?

The last couple of years though. They have been tough. Knowing how bad Chris wanted kids, feeling like a failure for not being able to give that to him (naturally). Guilt can do crazy things to your head and your heart. I came to this realization, this big revelation in my head that yes, I do want to be a mother. Then all of this happens, with mom and dad and the ball, she's a rolling, and then comes that fear again.

There are rational fears and irrational ones of course. Silly fears like fear of change. We are comfortable in how we are now, nothing to tie us down. But is that comfort or denial? Refusal to grow up and be 'adults'? I do suppose time will tell. Obviously your whole universe changes when you are a parent.

I KNOW in my head and my heart I will be a good mom, but I have little to no experience with little babies, like brand new ones. Can I do it? If they could come out like a year old that would be great, but that's not how it works.

I have the irrational fear of losing the child once I have it. Nightmares actually. This fear comes from not really having many losses in my life. I have both of my parents and they are still married. For 36 years of my life the 3 grandparents that I've known were with me (I lost them all last year). Can you be afraid of a child dying even before they are born? That's a little nutso.

Finally there is the very real fear that my parents are putting this money on the line, all of our emotions, and hopes. What if it doesn't work? What if it doesn't work? I can't even think about that. That guilt and sadness would be too much to bear.